


It's Quiet Uptown

by orphan_account



Category: Hamilton - Miranda
Genre: Alexander cries, Angst, Did I mention angst, Eliza is just too kind, F/M, Hamliza, Help I can't write, Hurt/Comfort, I Will Go Down With This Ship, I have math homework to do but instead I'm writing hamliza, Sadness, Tears, and now everyone's sad, honestly I love when ham is sad it's just so great, tagging is hard, why do I torture my children
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-02
Updated: 2020-02-02
Packaged: 2021-02-27 22:13:39
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,318
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22533037
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Philip is dead.Alexander thinks it's his fault.
Relationships: Alexander Hamilton/Elizabeth "Eliza" Schuyler
Comments: 4
Kudos: 72





	It's Quiet Uptown

**Author's Note:**

> I posted this to my wattpad a few months back, and decided I'd post it here as well. My Wattpad is paper_rings if you want to follow me

January 27th, 1802,

It was dark. The howl of wind echoed, rustling the trees. Most of the town was asleep, warm in their own beds. The stray cat that usually came out at the time was sheltered, preparing for the soon to come rainstorm. Everyone, it seemed, had retreated inside.

Except for them.

In all black, the two didn't stand out from the dark blues and purples that the night brought. A person who may have happened to pass by wouldn't see them.

Invisible.

Invisible. That's what he wished he could be. 

He was tired. Cold. Scared. Upset.

Upset.

He was upset.

Upset at the world. But when he looked into it he realized, he realized that, it's not the world to blame.

It's himself.

He could stop armies. Stop financial crisis.

.  
.  
.  
But he couldn't stop his son from going to the duel.

And now they have to suffer.

All because of him.

.

Grief and guilt weigh heavy on people. Makes them behave different.  
Think different.

Not in a good way.

These thoughts, that flooded his head.

Some were true. He made mistakes. He made many mistakes.  
Mistakes are what make you human.

Some were not. How could it have been his fault? He had tried to talk Philip out of the duel. He tried. It seemed Philip had inherited his father's stubborn pride.

He hadn't wanted Philip to die.

It wasn't his fault.

.  
But seemingly he had convinced himself of it. It was like a knife, straight to the heart. Each time he said it so himself. He couldn't help but feel like he deserved it, he deserved to suffer. Maybe it was his punishment, for the pain he caused others.

And the pain he caused her.

Her.

Eliza.

.  
He felt his stomach drop. 

His head fills with the thoughts again.

It's too much for him.

How could he have been so horrible?

He knew she deserved better. She's not naive, she's not stupid.

It hurt.

It hurt knowing how much pain she was going through. 

Pain he thought was his fault.

.  
Self-hatred is a strange thing.

He wasn't new to this. Ever since he was young, he was hard on himself. It only got worse as the years went on.

It's strange, how being simply humble can turn into an intense feel of worthlessness. Thoughts that invade your mind all day, reminding you of every flaw, mistake, and wrongdoing.

It's strange, how people could sense it.

She did.

She could feel it. I mean, who couldn't? Guilt and shame seeped out of him. She knew he was hurting, bad. She feels conflicted. 

She loves him.  
She knows she does. And she knows she always will.

But why should she forgive him?  
...

He had done momentary harm to her feelings. Put his hands on another woman.  
She remembers when he had confessed.

Curled up in bed, trying to convince herself that she didn't care.  
But his sobs, his knocking on the locked door, his heartbroken pleas.  
They were burned into her mind.

Her mind goes blank.  
He cheated.

He cheated on her.

But she can't find reasons to be mad.

He's standing there. 

She feels her heart fill with empathy. She saw him standing, staring at nothing. She wants to be inside his mind, know his thoughts.

That empathy evolves into an urge. She wanted to walk over there. Pull him into a hug. Stroke his hair. Tell him he'll be alright. Tell him it's okay.

She knows that what he wants. She knows that what he needs it, too.

She kind of does, too.

She's made up her mind. Ignoring the voice in the head that told her no, he doesn't deserve your love.

She feels... slightly happy. Maybe not happy, more of a feel of control- like she was powerful. Something she hadn't felt in a while.

She walked to him, not wanting to waste time. She stopped next to him, standing by his side. 

He noticed she was there.

He was painfully aware of it.

He was anxious.

Why was she here? What's she going to do? 

He was anxious.

He tried not to breathe too loud, he bit his lip to stop him from letting out a sob. Before she had walked over, a few tears had escaped his eyes.

She takes his hand.

"it's quiet uptown."

.  
It didn't sink in. 

At first.

Her hand wrapped around his.

but then it hit.

His hand shook.

He couldn't believe it.

His body started shaking.

Forgiveness.

His eyes flooded with tears.

Eliza gave his hand a small squeeze. She felt how he was shaking. She rubbed her thumb over his knuckles.

His knees went weak. Next thing he knew he fell onto the ground, clutching her hand as if he would die if he let go. He sobbed hard into her dress, and she could hear the pain and heartbreak in his sobs.

She couldn't bear to see him like this.  
Her Alexander.

She knelt down, meeting Alexander's eyes.

Her poor baby.

She couldn't bear to see his beautiful violet blue eyes, flooded with tears that coated his face. He was broken.

He looked at her with an expression that only broke her heart more. He looked at her as if she was a goddess, a blessing sent down to him.

She opened her arms, and Alex paused before melting into her arms, pressing his face into her chest, pulling her as close to him as he could. She held him tight, and she could feel how hard he shook, and his loud, unrestrained cries.

And Eliza knew, that he was sorry. If someone were to pass by they'd think he was insane, based upon his loud sobs. 

He bottled up his feelings, and Eliza knew it. Sometimes it seemed as if he wanted people to think he was incapable of showing emotion. She knew, that if he was comfortable showing his vulnerability to him, that he loved her.

He shifted so that he could bury his head in her neck, and Eliza moved so that she was sitting on the ground.

"Shh, it's alright," she said, rubbing his back in an effort to soothe him.

He struggled to speak, often trying but only blubbering nonsense. All, it seemed, he could do, was frantically apologize. He said he was sorry, over and over again.

He was shivering. He could have been cold, or scared.

He didn't know how to feel. He felt safe in her arms, hiding his tear-ridden face in the crook of her neck. But he felt so horrible, as if he was manipulating her into helping him.

He didn't know why, why she would forgive him.

It could have been minutes, or hours, that he spent in her arms, slowly but surely calming down until they sat in comfortable silence, with Alexander still clinging to Eliza.

Then rain came in, starting with a light sprinkle but evolving into sleet, and the two hurried back inside, Eliza leading a confused Alexander to their room.

Alex spoke to Eliza for the first time in a while.

"I- I'll go to my office." he said, sounding nothing like him. He sounded weak and fragile.

"Alexander," 

He looked up, startled from her condescending tone.

"It's alright. You can sleep in our room tonight." she said, sounding much calmer.

"But-"

"It's okay."

"B-But, I... I don't want you let be back just because you f-feel bad..."

"Alexander Hamilton. It's alright." 

She wiped the tear that fell from his eye, and took his hand. The two crawled into bed, and as it grew colder outside they inched closer, finding themselves in a similar position to where they were in the garden. 

Comforted by Eliza's arms around him, Alexander slept comfortably, for the first time in a while.

I got burnt out at the end lol. Sorry I've been working on this all night ahahaha so shoot me pls


End file.
